Thoughts of Daniel – Samantha Carter
by Maureen Thayer
Categories: Thoughts, Angst
Rating: PG
Content Warning: None
Spoilers: Stargate the Movie, Children of the Gods, Bloodlines, Fire and Water, Within the Serpent's Lair, Legacy, Ascension, Meridian, Revelations, Full Circle, Fallen/Homecoming
Author's Notes: The second in a series of inner thought fanfics about Daniel Jackson. So far, only Jack's and Sam's have been written, but I eventually plan on writing ones from Teal'c's, Janet's and General Hammond's POV's. This one takes place around the middle of Season Seven, before Evolution.
Before I even met Daniel Jackson I already knew a lot about him, or at least what was in his dossier, the mission report of what happened on Abydos, and what Catherine told me about him. To say that I was impressed would be an understatement. Here was a man who was a true genius. Catherine told me that he'd made her team look like dunces when, first, he immediately corrected all the mistakes made in the translation of the coverstone's hieroglyphics, and then proceeded to solve the mystery of the other symbols in a mere two weeks' time. She also told me about what happened at Daniel's last lecture, how he bravely stood up there and destroyed his reputation and his career as he presented and defended his firm beliefs about the origins of the pyramids. Daniel had figured out on his own something that nobody else had even suspected and had the open-mindedness to accept what everyone else in the archeological community wouldn't. I knew even then that he was one of those rare individuals who possess the courage and wisdom to rise above the masses and seek what lay beyond, no matter what the personal cost.
Catherine told me other things about Daniel as well. In the time that they worked together, she'd seen a man of gentleness, passion and determination. Though incredibly brilliant, he appeared to possess no ego about it. He did not flaunt his great intellect, seemingly taking it for granted instead, often forgetting that not everyone was as smart as he was. He treated almost everyone as an equal, giving respect to those who showed him respect. Catherine said that she became quite fond of the man in those two weeks. When I was told that he had died on the mission, I felt deep regret that I would never have the chance to meet him. Then, a year later, when I found out that he wasn't dead after all, I was thrilled, instinctively knowing that I'd like him. I was right.
Now, I may be an officer in the United States Air Force, but I'm also a woman, and the first thought that went through my mind when I laid eyes on Daniel was, "Wow. He's really cute!" Yeah, I'd seen his picture in his file, but it was an awful picture. It didn't do him justice at all, and it sure didn't show that beautiful, shy smile of his or the incredible brilliance of his blue eyes.
I quickly set those womanly thoughts aside and started paying attention to the other things about Daniel Jackson. It didn't take long for me to see that he was equally as brilliant as I'd been told. Ever since Daniel opened the gate, I had attempted to get it to connect to other worlds, trying hundreds of combinations of the symbols on it without success. And then I get into that debate with Daniel on Abydos, and he innocently asks if the planets could drift apart. Of course! Stellar drift! Where was my brain? I'm an astrophysicist, for Pete's sake, and it never even occurred to me. After so many millennia, the planets would no longer be in the same place that they were back when the gate was first placed on Earth. In a blinding instant, Daniel had come up with the answer that I had failed to see after all that time. Boy, was I ever impressed with him after that. I know that a lot of my peers would have been angered at the thought of being out thunk by someone who had no training in astrophysics, but not me. It was then that I knew I'd been right about liking Daniel. I liked him even more when, after I made the comment about having known I'd like him, he said in that stunned tone of voice, "You mean I'm right?" He was actually shocked that he'd figured it out. Yep, Catherine was right. No conceit there.
And so started what would soon become a beautiful friendship. In the months and then years that followed, I really came to know Daniel. In him I saw the very best of humanity, a man of amazing compassion and empathy, possessing an astounding level of strength and courage. His capacity for forgiveness and understanding is nothing short of awe-inspiring, as is his ability to take all the horrible things that fate throws at him yet still carry on, still keep right on fighting even when he's bleeding from a hundred wounds to his soul. The strength of his convictions, his indomitable will when it comes to his defense of what is morally right, is like something out of an epic tale of knights and kings. He simply will not back down when he is certain that a course of action is wrong, much to the annoyance of Colonel O'Neill. Daniel possesses a high code of ethics, and he will not sacrifice those principles. It took the colonel a while to realize that, but I think it finally sunk in.
Despite the fact that he has been deeply hurt, both physically and emotionally, by so many people, the only hatred he has ever felt was for the Goa'uld. They are the one thing that he could not find in his heart to forgive. The only time I ever saw Daniel commit a wanton act of violence against a living creature was when he killed all those Goa'uld larvae that were in that tank on Chulak. I have to admit that I was shocked by the action. I really didn't think that Daniel would do such a thing. I'm almost certain that he was shocked as well, and I am positive that he was terribly ashamed afterwards. That's just the kind of person he is.
And now back to that wondrous mind of his. Not to sound conceited, but I'm no slouch in the brains department. I know that I'm intelligent; I have confidence in that. My knowledge in astrophysics and my talents in regards to various forms of technology are important to me. They are a huge part of who I am. Yet there have been many times when I've actually felt slow compared to Daniel. It's not so much that he's smarter than me. I really couldn't say if he is or isn't. That really doesn't matter to me, no more than it does to Daniel. We're certainly never going to compare IQ points, even if those IQ tests really meant anything. No, what enables Daniel to sometimes leave me in the dust, intellectually speaking, is his ability to think way outside the box and his capacity to make these dizzying leaps of logic that put him in the stratosphere. I can't count the number of times that I have been filled with awe at the level of his intellect. Thinking about it, it's a good thing that I don't have a big ego. Otherwise, I'd have been more than a little peeved all those times that Daniel so quickly came up with an answer that I had failed to see. Instead, I felt nothing but pride and wonder at the way my friend's mind works.
Over the years, Daniel became one of the best friends I've ever had. I always feel so at ease around him. I can really, truly talk to him. He is a wonderful listener, knowing when to speak and when to remain silent, at least where I'm concerned. I doubt that the colonel would agree. Daniel's wisdom and insights have often made me feel better, and there is a quality about him that makes me feel safe and loved. I really enjoy bouncing ideas off him, and he's smart enough to understand a good deal of what I'm saying, despite his lack of formal knowledge in my fields of expertise. Every time we have one of our brainstorming moments it's a thrilling experience.
Besides the fact that we are well-matched intellectually, there is the fact that we get along so well in other ways. In all the years that we've known each other, only once have we gotten into a heated argument. Oh, we've disagreed on plenty of occasions, but, other than that one time, it has never come close to anger, and our disagreements are usually ironed out pretty quickly. We respect each other too much to let our differences of opinions turn into a shouting match.
Daniel's kindness, gentleness, patience and empathy make him a good person to turn to when you're hurting, and I have done so many times, seeking his counsel or even just his presence when the weight of the world seemed too heavy on my shoulders. He has brought me comfort on so many occasions. Our relationship is a very special one, one that I treasure greatly.
More than once, I have believed that I'd lost that friendship forever. When we all thought that Daniel had burned to death on Nem's planet, I was devastated. I haven't felt that much pain since my mom died. I felt like Daniel's death had left a gaping hole in my soul that no one would ever be able to fill. I cannot describe the relief I felt when we realized that our memories of his death were fake and that there was a good chance he was still alive.
Only a few months later, I again thought him to be dead when we destroyed the two Goa'uld ships bound for Earth. When the colonel told us that Daniel was staying behind on the first ship, I realized what he was saying, that something had happened to Daniel. We were going to have to leave him behind to die alone. At the time, none of us thought that we were going to make it out alive, so I was able to hold the grief in. It wasn't until after we'd been rescued by the space shuttle and were on our way back to Earth that it hit me. The rest of us had survived, but Daniel was gone. It was because of him that we had learned of the threat to Earth and had, therefore, been able to save it, yet he had been the one to pay the ultimate price for our world's safety. I went off and found a quiet place and cried myself to exhaustion. By the time we got back to the SGC, I had control of my emotions. I tried to smile at the cheers and congratulations that met us, but it was too hard. How could I really be happy when my dearest friend was dead?
The joy at seeing Daniel coming toward us in the gate room was beyond description. I'd have thrown myself into his arms right then and there if the colonel hadn't beaten me to it. I've never seen Colonel O'Neill look so happy as he did in that moment. I'm sure I had the same look on my face.
A little over a year later, I again thought I was going to lose Daniel when he was infected with Machello's Goa'uld killing parasites. God, it was so hard seeing him like that in the mental facility, watching that beautiful mind of his being destroyed by schizophrenia. It was taking all my will power not to burst into tears. Afterwards, when we found out the truth, I hated myself for having left Daniel in that place, for having assumed, along with everyone else, that his illness had no external source, except, perhaps, for the cumulative effects of gate travel. If it had been me or the colonel who was afflicted, I have no doubt that Daniel would have figured out that something on the planet we just visited was the cause. He wouldn't have rested until the answer was found and we were cured. He'd have turned that amazing brain of his onto the problem and saved us. I'm so ashamed that I didn't do the same for him.
Out of all those times when we almost lost Daniel, when my heart shattered at the thought that he was dead or was going to die, the time that almost completely destroyed me was the last time it happened, when he slowly died in agony from radiation sickness. As I watched him get sicker and sicker, this voice inside me was screaming in utter anguish. Why him? He was the best of all of us, our heart and soul, our conscience and our voice of reason. From the day he watched his parents die, his life had been filled with so much pain and sorrow. Why did he have to die like that? How could life be so cruelly unfair? When I talked to him for that last time, I was an inch away from toppling off the edge. Only the fact that I was there in the infirmary kept me from completely falling to pieces, that and the fact that I didn't want Daniel to see it happen.
In that moment when Daniel's heart stopped and I knew that he was gone, I really felt as if my heart had stopped, too, that I had died right along with him. But then, I witnessed a miracle. I saw my best friend, the man I loved so dearly, transformed into a being of light and energy. It was the most beautiful thing I have every seen. I stood there in awe and watched him float above us, the pure essence of his spirit shining like a star. But then, he was gone. Afterwards, I felt numb. I didn't know what to think or feel. Was Daniel really dead? From my experience with Orlin and what I saw on Kheb, I knew that these beings had all originally been creatures of flesh and blood but had found a way to ascend to a higher plane of existence, yet still retain all that they were mentally and emotionally. Their 'souls' remained intact. So, did this mean that Daniel was still alive, only now in another form?
It was when I got home that the truth hit me. Regardless of whether or not Daniel was really dead, the fact was that we were never going to see him again. He was gone, gone forever. I'd never see his wonderful smile, or his beautiful eyes, or his beloved face ever again. I'd never feel his arms around me. I would never hear his voice or his laughter. When I needed someone to talk to, he wouldn't be there. He was lost to us. And that's when the bottom fell out. For the rest of that day and most of the next, I just cried and cried. Dad came over after a while, and I cried in his arms for hours. Janet came over after her shift, and we cried together for a while. We tried to bring solace to each other, but we had both lost someone we loved, and the pain was too raw.
The general put all of SG-1 on leave for a week. I really needed that time to pull myself together. I thought I had myself pretty much under control when I finally returned to the base. But then, I went to Daniel's office and the tears came again. He felt so near and yet so very far away. The talk General Hammond had with me helped a lot. He's a good man, and I know that he was hurting, too.
I have to admit that I was angry with the colonel when I found out that he'd requested a mission for SG-1 so soon after Daniel's death. I wasn't ready to go on a mission yet, knowing that Daniel would not be there with us and never would be again. It really shocked me when Colonel O'Neill made the emotionless comment that we'd lost other people before, shrugging off my reply that this was Daniel we were talking about. It wasn't until a while later that I realized this was the only way the colonel could cope with Daniel's loss. He'd once again shoved his emotions down deep inside and was now desperately trying to pretend that Daniel's 'death' wasn't killing him. He needed to get back out there, to stay busy.
And so time passed. The days became weeks, the weeks turned into months, yet the aching pain in my heart never really went away. It only became easier to live with. Jonas Quinn did a good job, he really did. He just wasn't Daniel. He could never be Daniel. I came to like him quite a bit, but the deep, loving friendship that I'd so quickly and easily formed with Daniel never developed. I don't know if it ever would have. The unique bond I'd felt with Daniel just wasn't there.
Then, a year after Daniel left us, the colonel dropped a bomb on our heads. Daniel had come to him . . . for the second time! Then we found out that Daniel had also appeared to Teal'c. Along with the shock of these revelations came a moment of jealousy and hurt. Why hadn't Daniel come to me? I would have been so happy to see him. I didn't have the time to dwell on those feelings, however, since the message Daniel had given the colonel was dire. And, so, we were off to Abydos to stop Anubis from getting the Eye of Ra.
When I finally did see Daniel for the first time since his ascension, my heart leapt. There he was, looking so real that I thought I could reach out and touch him. It hurt a lot when he so briefly and casually greeted me, as if we'd only been apart for a few hours, but I chose to push aside those feelings. There was no time to dwell on them. Daniel's urgency and the danger to the Abydonians was obvious.
When that whole situation was all over, I was filled with a sense of dread. Had Daniel's defiance of the rules of the Ancients cost him his life? What had happened to him? Was he truly dead now?
Two months later, I found out the answer, and it was an answer that filled me with such joy that I was hard-pressed to contain it. Daniel was alive and was once again human! When I saw him standing there, I wanted to grab onto him and never, ever let go. But he didn't know us. We were strangers to him. Having him brush away my hand before I could touch him had hurt, but I understood the reaction later on when I talked to him. He was scared, afraid that he was a bad person, that he'd done something wrong and was being punished for it. Oh, Daniel. For you of all people to believe that you might be a bad person, you, the finest, most wonderful man it has ever been my great honor and privilege to know. I could only hope that my words to him conveyed even some small part of my thoughts on the kind of person Daniel Jackson is. I guess it must have helped since he chose to come back with us.
Daniel is now back in my life. With the exception of that year as an ascended being, his memories have returned. It's almost as if he was never gone. No, that's not true. The pain of losing him still haunts me sometimes, and I still have occasional nightmares about it. Not long after his return, I woke up crying, reliving his death. I called him on the phone, needing to reassure myself that he was okay. We talked for an hour, his gentle voice soothing my soul and chasing away the demons. I slept the rest of the night with happy dreams of him.
In this life, a lucky few of us are blessed with finding someone who gifts us with a friendship so precious and wonderful that no words can truly describe it, a person willing to sacrifice everything for our sake, someone who would face any hardship for us. The day I met Daniel Jackson is the day I found that kind of friendship. He is my companion, my confidant, my shoulder to cry on, my strength when I falter, the one I know will always be there when I need him or who will move heaven and earth to reach me if he isn't already there. Having him in my life has made me a better person and has shown me how beautiful the human race can be. I love him more than I can ever say, and, no matter what the future holds for us, he will forever be in my heart.
THE END
