CHAPTER EIGHT
Daniel stared at the computer screen that was supposed to contain his mission report, but, instead, showed nothing but a cursor blinking at him annoyingly.
His gaze drifted away from the screen as his mind yet again returned to the reason why the report wasn't written yet. When Sha're died, it had hurt more than anything Daniel had suffered since the death of his parents. He had been sure that nothing could ever hurt more. He'd been wrong. When he thought that Sam was dead, the pain was beyond anything he could have imagined. During those hours he sat in that hut, he didn't care what happened to him, whether he lived or died.
Daniel knew what this meant. He couldn't escape the knowledge, no matter how much he might want to. He had fallen in love with Sam, with his whole heart and soul.
And, now, he was terrified. Today had shown him how deeply it would hurt if something ever happened to her, and he didn't think he'd be able to handle going through that kind of pain. It would kill him inside.
Daniel rested his head in his hands. He had fought so hard to keep himself from loving again, to keep his heart safe behind the walls. He should have known that becoming Sam's lover was too dangerous, that being with her like that was bound to lead to this. He now realized that he started falling in love with her after the very first time they made love, when he woke up with her in his arms. He hadn't wanted to see it, so he blinded himself to what was right before his face.
So, what was he going to do now?
Deciding that it was pointless to keep trying to write his report this evening, Daniel left his office and went to the locker room. After changing into his civilian clothes, he went back to the elevator. His finger paused over the button that would carry him up toward the surface. For several seconds, he stood there, undecided, before finally pressing the button for Level 19.
Daniel stood outside Sam's lab for still more seconds before covering the last few feet and going in. The astrophysicist was sitting at her worktable, frowning at her computer.
"Um . . . hi," he said, feeling uncomfortable and knowing that he shouldn't feel that way.
Sam turned to him, an unreadable expression flashing over her face before it settled into a look of cheerfulness.
"Hey. Are you heading home?"
"Yeah. I'm pretty tired. It was a . . . rough day."
Sam's eyes fell from his for a moment. "Yeah." Her gaze returned to his. "Are you still leaving tomorrow?"
Daniel nodded. "I have an evening flight. It's a good thing I don't have a problem sleeping on planes."
"Lucky you. That's always a problem for me."
They fell into a short silence.
"Well . . . I just wanted to wish you a good night," Daniel finally said. "I'll be going to bed early tonight. See you tomorrow."
"Okay. Good night."
Sam watched Daniel leave, an ache inside her chest. If it hadn't been for what happened today, it was likely that she'd have joined him at his place since, yet again, she wouldn't be seeing him for a while. But she couldn't do that, not now, not after the revelation she'd made, a revelation that was not a happy one.
She was in love with Daniel. There could be no denying it. When she thought he was dead, the pain had just about killed her, a hundred times worse than when he ascended.
God, she had been so stupid. She should have known that she was playing with fire by entering into this relationship with him. She should have known that he would get right past her defenses and deep into her heart, deeper than anyone else ever had. Best friends with benefits? What a crock of bull. She was already falling in love with him way back then when she reasoned that their relationship could remain just that.
And now what? What was she going to do? She had learned today what it would feel like to lose Daniel, and it was something she never wanted to go through. But with the danger they faced almost every day in their job, how could she protect herself from it?
There really was only one way. She had to insulate herself from Daniel. She had to distance herself from him and try to drive these feelings out of her heart. If they were no longer lovers, in time, the feelings might fade and go away, just as her feelings for Jack did.
The thought of never being with Daniel again, never feeling his arms around her at night, no longer having the joy of his kisses and lovemaking, hurt so much that Sam had to struggle not to start crying. She brushed away the tears that sprang to her eyes and took a deep, steadying breath. She had to do this. She had to. If she didn't, the overpowering fear of losing him would never ease.
Giving up on her plan to write her mission report, Sam went home, wondering how she was going to end a relationship that had come to be the most precious and important thing in her life.
Daniel stared into the darkness beyond the airplane window. He was relieved to have an excuse to get away. As long as he was in England, he wouldn't have to think about the situation with Sam. As long as he was there, he could delay doing the thing he'd decided last night that he had to do. He had to break things off with Sam. Just the thought of doing it made him feel like someone was slicing up his heart, but he had no choice. It was the only way that he could drive this love for her out of him. To actually embrace that love and let the relationship continue was out of the question. He could not chance loving her and losing her. He'd gone through that once before. Never again.
But how was he going to do it? How could he look in her eyes and tell her it was over? It was going to break his heart.
Even knowing what he did, he had wanted her there with him last night. He had missed having her in his arms, her warm, soft body next to his.
He was never going to have that again.
The sudden thought made a terrible, aching pain well up inside him. Having Sam like that in his life had come to mean so much to him, something he had never wanted to live without. But he needed to learn to live without it. And he could. It might take a long time, but the day would come when he didn't long to hold her, when the first thought that came into his mind upon awakening was not about her. Being her teammate was going to make it a lot harder. Transferring to another team would definitely help, but he was not prepared to do that. The fight against the Ori was too important, and being on SG-1 was where he could do the most good.
But what about afterwards? What if they succeeded in finding the Sangraal, destroyed the Ori, and got rid of all their followers in this galaxy? If, by that time, Daniel had not gotten past these feelings for Sam, he knew what he would do. He'd request a transfer to Atlantis. In fact, he might do that anyway. It would make things so much easier on both him and Sam. With the distance of millions of light-years between them, he could have a life in which he didn't have to look at her almost every day and think about what they no longer had.
Cameron plopped down on the couch. Well, that vacation sure didn't turn out like expected. But then, who could have foreseen that a simple trip to the woods right here on Earth would turn into a hunt for murderous, mutant monsters? Poor Jackson. He missed out on all the fun . . . again.
Thoughts of Daniel naturally led to ones of Sam. Cameron didn't know what was up with her, but something was definitely off. After all the nasty business was over, Landry had insisted that they stick to the plan of a few days of relaxation in General O'Neill's cabin, and all during the time they were there, Sam had barely cracked a smile. At first, Cam had thought that it was because she was missing Daniel, but he was now convinced that wasn't the problem. Something was wrong.
The pilot thought about the look on Sam's face on their last mission when she saw him and Teal'c and found out that Nonan had lied about her teammates all being dead. The first words out of her mouth had been, "Daniel! Where's Daniel?" When Nonan replied that he would take them to the archeologist, it was pretty obvious that she wanted to run the whole way.
Also quite obvious was the fact that Sam was utterly in love with Daniel . . . and that the feeling was mutual. So why were Cam's instincts telling him that something wasn't right between them?
Cameron glanced at his watch, then picked up the phone.
"Hey, Sam," he said when the call was answered. "I was wondering if we could get together for a little dinner. I could definitely go for some pizza after those days of Landry's cooking. Thank God he let us do the cooking on occasion."
"Um . . . I'd like to, Cam, but I've got stuff here at home that I need to take care of."
"And it can't wait one day? Come on, Sam. I hate going out to eat alone, and I don't have a thing in the house that is even remotely appetizing."
There was a long pause, then a quiet sigh. "All right. I'll meet you there. Angelo's?"
"Of course. Best pizza in town. See you in a few."
Half an hour later, they were sitting at a table, Cameron taking a hearty bite out of a thick slice of deep dish pizza. Sam's bite into her piece was anything but hearty. The pilot watched her as he chewed, formulating the best way to broach the subject that was the reason for his insistence on this dinner. Seeing her pick at the toppings on her pizza, he decided that the direct approach would be the best.
"So, what's up with you, Sam?"
Startled, she looked at him. "Up with me? Nothing. Why do you think something's up?"
"Oh, maybe because you've barely smiled in days. In fact, thinking about it, I haven't seen you really smile since we got back from that last mission."
Sam's gaze instantly dropped from his. She picked up her water and took a sip.
"Did you and Daniel have a fight?" Cameron asked.
"What? No, of course not."
"Then what's wrong. Whatever it is, it has to do with him, doesn't it."
"I don't want to talk about it." Sam glared at him narrowly. "Is this why you wanted to go to dinner with me? So you could grill me?"
Cam thought about lying, but he knew that would get him into even more trouble than he'd just realized he was in.
Sam's expression darkened, a spark of anger kindling in her eyes. "I don't believe this." She got up and stormed off.
"Dammit," Cam cursed. "Great going, Mitchell. You really did it this time."
He got up and took off after her, hastily telling the girl at the cash register that he'd be right back. Sam was already halfway to her car by the time he caught her.
"Hey. I'm sorry, okay? I shouldn't have invited you to dinner under false pretenses. I'm just concerned. I could tell that you were unhappy about something, and I wanted to help. I should have just come right out and asked instead of doing this."
Sam's anger began to cool. She wasn't happy about what Cam did, but she recognized that he was just trying to be a friend.
Seeing her softening, Cam gave her a smile. "How about if we go back in and finish that pizza before the manager calls the cops on us for skipping out on our bill?"
Sam shook her head. "I'm sorry, but I'm just not up to being sociable."
"Then how about if we have them box up the pizza, and we take it back to your place? Then you don't have to be sociable. We can both just sit and eat our pizza in utter and complete silence as we watch spiders make webs in the corners."
That almost made Sam smile. She really didn't want any company, but Cam obviously wasn't going to give up easily.
She let out a sigh. "All right."
They went back inside, and Cameron got a box for the pizza. A short while later, they were at Sam's . . . eating in utter and complete silence. The spiders were not fulfilling their end of the bargain.
Cam kept to his word and didn't utter a single syllable throughout the meal. He waited until afterwards.
"So, are you going to tell me?" he asked.
Sam looked at him. "You don't give up, do you."
"Nope. It's a required character trait for all members of SG-1. Of course, Jackson's the king of the hill in that regard. The guy doesn't even give up when he's dead!" Cameron saw the shadow that flitted across her face upon the mention of Daniel's name. He leaned forward. "Come on, Sam. Tell me what's wrong."
"It's personal."
"Well, yeah. I already figured that one out for myself."
Sam got to her feet and went to the fireplace. She stared at the unlit logs.
"I guess you're going to have to know sooner or later anyway," she said wearily. "I'm . . . I'm breaking things off with Daniel."
Cameron sat in complete shock, wondering if he'd somehow gotten transported to another reality.
"Sam, you can't be serious! I've never seen you happier than you have been during this time you guys have been together. And I'd have to be blind not to see that you're totally in love with him."
"That's the problem," Sam whispered.
Cam frowned. "What? What does that mean?"
Sam shook her head, fighting not to cry. "Please, Cam. I just can't talk about it."
The pilot heard the tremor in her voice and knew that she was about ready to lose control. He got to his feet and went to her.
"Sam, I don't know what the problem is, but I have to believe it's something that you and Daniel can work out. Life doesn't give us many chances at real love, so we shouldn't throw it away when it comes along."
Knowing that she wasn't going to say anything more, Cam gave a sigh and headed for the door.
"I'll see you tomorrow, Sam."
After he had gone, Sam went to the sofa and slowly sat down. Then she lowered her face into her hands and cried.
Daniel shut the door with a tired sigh. Another wasted trip. All the days he spent in England had been for nothing. He knew nothing more about Merlin's weapon than he did when he boarded the flight out.
Even though the search had been fruitless, Daniel wished that he was still there. Tomorrow, he would go back to work and see Sam. He would no longer be able to put off trying to figure out how he was going to break up with her. He wouldn't have much time to decide. Sam would probably want to be with him tomorrow night. He could beg off because of jet lag, but that would only work for one night.
He wished that they had a mission, one that would last for several days. But that would just be postponing what had to be done. Maybe it was better just to do it quickly and get it over with, like pulling off a band-aid. He could then ask for some time off, maybe two or three days to give him and Sam a little time to deal with the breakup. He honestly didn't think he'd be able to even look at her after he'd. . . .
Dammit! He'd thought that he had reconciled himself to this, come to terms with his decision. But the thought of what he was going to do still hurt as much as when he first decided to do it.
Throughout his life, it had been necessary for Daniel to do a lot of hard things, make a lot of tough decisions. That was especially true in these years since he opened the Stargate. But he knew that what he had to do now was going to be one of the hardest things of all.
Sam paced the floor, her eyes going often to the clock. This afternoon, Daniel had asked if he could come over tonight to talk about something. There was something off about his manner. He seemed to be having a hard time meeting her eyes.
Actually, it had been a strange day all around. After so many days of being apart, she had expected a big hug and a kiss, utterances of how much Daniel missed her. She did get a hug, but it was a short one, and there was no kiss nor any, "I missed you." She knew that he was feeling down about his lack of success in England, but his demeanor was still puzzling.
Not that she was disappointed. She'd had a lot of conflicting emotions over seeing Daniel. On one hand, she had really missed him while he was gone and was looking forward to seeing him. On the other hand, she had been dreading the physical contact, the expressions of affection, knowing that it would make her feel even worse over what she was going to do. How was she going to break Daniel's heart by telling him it was over? How was she going to hurt him like that? It was going to break her heart, too.
The sound of the doorbell ringing made Sam freeze in her tracks. Her heart started hammering.
'God, I can't do this. I can't do this,' her mind cried.
'You have to do this,' it then said.
Reluctantly, Sam went to the door and opened it.
"Hi," Daniel said, wanting to turn right around and run away. He was trembling on the inside, the ache in his chest growing steadily worse. He honestly didn't know how he was going to get through this without breaking down.
Daniel walked into the living room, desperately seeking the courage and strength to say what he came here for.
"Would . . . would you like something to drink?" Sam asked in a voice that was pitched a little too high.
"No, I'm good."
Daniel turned to her, seeing that she was staring at him with an expression that almost looked like dread. Did she already know what he was going to say?
He had thought of all different ways that he could do this, different things he could say, everything from vague excuses to outright lies. But he couldn't lie, not to her. Standing there now, seeing her before him, the woman he loved, he knew that there was only one way he could do this: tell her the complete truth.
"Sam, I. . . ." He stopped, took a deep breath, and began again. "When Sha're died, it hurt so much. For the longest time, I didn't know if I'd ever completely get over the pain. In the years that followed, I made a decision. I swore that I would never let myself love anyone like that again. If I never loved again, I would never have to go through that kind of pain again. For almost seven years I succeeded in keeping that oath. But then . . . but then that night on Atlantis happened."
Sam turned her face away, her eyes closing. Oh, God. He was going to tell her that he loved her. She couldn't hear those words from him, then tell him that it was over. She just couldn't. She had to stop him before he said it.
"You have no idea how hard it is for me to tell you this," Daniel told her in an agonized voice, "but you have to know the reason why I'm doing what I came here to do."
That statement made the words on Sam's lips dry up. She stared at him in puzzlement. What was he going to do?
"When we began this relationship, I knew that I couldn't let myself get too close to you," he said. "I had to . . . to keep a barrier between you and my heart. I couldn't let you come to mean too much to me."
Sam was stunned to hear Daniel say the very thing that she had told herself when they embarked on this relationship.
"But I failed," he whispered. "Being with you like that, it has been so . . . so wonderful. It has given me something that brought happiness into my life almost every day. But I blinded myself to how important it was to me, how important you were to me."
He was crying now, and so was Sam.
Daniel's breath caught. "When I thought you were dead, the pain was more than I could take. It felt like it was killing me. A part of me wanted to die, too."
Sam's breath caught on a sob. She felt like her heart was going to explode.
Daniel's tear-filled eyes met hers. "I love you, Sam, more than I've ever loved anyone in my life, but I can't . . ." his voice caught, "I can't go through what I did with Sha're again. If I ever lost you, I don't know how I'd survive it." His voice began to tremble. "I can't let our relationship continue. As long as we're together, I know that I'll just keep loving you more and more and that if I ever lost you, it would destroy me."
Sam sat down rather hard, shocked speechless. She had been intending to break things off with Daniel because she cared too much, and here he was doing exactly the same thing.
Daniel misinterpreted Sam's reaction. "God, Sam. I'm so sorry. I can't tell you how much this is hurting me. I don't want to lose what we have, but—"
"It's come to mean too much," Sam interrupted. She looked up at him. "I know what you're saying, Daniel, and I understand what you're feeling, because . . . because I feel the same way."
That made Daniel's mouth drop open.
"Tonight, I was intending to break up with you," Sam confessed, "and for the same reason."
This time, it was Daniel who sat down abruptly.
"When Nonan told me that you, Teal'c and Cam were dead, what I felt was the same thing you described," she told him. "I have never hurt that much in my life. I've been afraid, too, Daniel. I was afraid to let myself love someone. Too many times when I cared like that for a man, it ended badly. I lost Narim. I lost Martouf. I lost Orlin before I even had a chance to figure out if what I was feeling could really be something. And there were guys before then, Jonas, boyfriends in school, so many times when I came to really care about someone, and then ended up alone and hurting. I became convinced that the only thing for me to do was to never get into a relationship again. It was the only way I could protect myself from being hurt."
"But . . . but what about Pete?"
Sam sighed softly. "It was a mistake. I got into the relationship with him because I was so lonely, and I needed someone to fill the void in my life. I know now that it was more about that and . . . and other things than it was about Pete himself." She couldn't tell Daniel the whole truth, that one of the reasons for dating Pete was Jack. "I should have known right from the start that what I was basing the relationship on was all wrong. I did care about him, very much. But I was having a real problem with committing to him all the way, even though we got engaged and were planning our wedding. I tried really hard to. I told myself that I was going to marry him and have a happy, fulfilling life with him. But I was just lying to myself." She paused. "Dad knew. He could see right past the lies I was telling myself. Before he died, he tried to make me come to my senses. In a way, it worked. Afterwards, I knew that I couldn't marry Pete. My heart just wouldn't let me. And so I lost another man I cared about, except that it was my own fault that time. But it still hurt. After that, I swore off men. I wasn't going to let myself go through that again."
Sam looked into Daniel's eyes. "And then this thing with you happened. You know what I thought? That we could just be best friends with benefits." She gave a humorless laugh and shook her head. "I was so stupid. I should have known that I wouldn't be able to stop myself from falling in love with you. And, now . . . now I am so scared. I don't think I could bear losing you when I love you so much."
Daniel slowly absorbed what Sam had just told him. Everything he'd felt – the fear of love, the pain of loss – she had felt, too. All his thoughts about not letting himself care too much were the same thoughts she'd been having. They were like mirror images of each other.
The archeologist felt his burden lifting. Sam wanted the same thing he did. He didn't have to break her heart.
"We're a real pair, aren't we," she said with a weak smile.
Daniel drew in a deep breath. "Yeah, I guess we are."
Sam's smile was gone. "It's . . . it's going to be okay. We'll be all right. We were just friends for over nine years. We can be that way again."
Daniel gazed into her eyes, praying that she was right.
He got to his feet. "I, um, should go."
Sam nodded. She went with him to the door. As he opened it, he turned to look at her, the pain he was trying to hide darkening his eyes. He brushed his fingers over her cheek one last time. The touch almost made Sam cry. And then Daniel walked out the door, trying to ignore the hollow feeling inside him over the knowledge that the only real joy in his life had come to an end.
