CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Two hours had passed before Cam gathered the courage to go see Vala. In those two hours, she had awakened, had been visited by Daniel and Sam, and had started wondering where Cameron was. Figuring that Vala would prefer some privacy, Doctor Lam had moved her into a private room. She was sitting up in bed, flipping through TV channels when Cam came in.
"Hey there," he said in a falsely cheerful voice. "How are you feeling?"
"I am fine, although it is amazing that there can be so many television channels, yet nothing of interest to watch."
Cam smiled. "Yep. That's a complaint that pretty much everyone with cable or satellite TV has had at one time or another." As she muted the sound on the TV, he sat in the chair beside the bed. What he really wanted to do was sit on the bed and pull Vala into his arms, but he decided that it would be best to keep his distance.
"I understand from Carolyn that she'll be letting you out of here in the morning," he remarked.
"I do not understand why I cannot leave now. After all, it's not as if I would be leaving the base."
"She's just being cautious, Vala. That was a nasty bump on the head that you got."
The dark-haired woman waved her hand dismissively. "I have had far worse injuries. It was nothing." She put on a smile. "But I do want to thank you for coming to my rescue. Not that I couldn't have handled him on my own if he hadn't given me a concussion."
There was something off about the tone of Vala's voice, something that made Cam study her closely. Her eyes immediately left his, and she resumed flipping though the television channels, though she kept the sound muted.
"Vala, are you sure you're all right?" Cameron asked.
"Yes, of course I am sure. Like I said, I have been injured far more seriously than this."
"I'm not talking about the concussion, Vala."
The dark-haired woman paused ever so slightly before saying, "Oh, that. Yes, I am all right. It's just another experience to add to my very colorful and adventurous life."
Cam did not fail to notice that Vala's body appeared to be a little tense and that her voice had sounded way too casual. There was also the fact that she was still not looking him in the eyes.
"Vala, you were nearly raped. Stop pretending like it isn't bothering you." When she didn't say anything, he laid a gentle hand on her arm. "Talk to me, Vala," he requested softly.
Vala turned her face completely away, but not before Cam saw twin tears escape from her eyes. Seeing those tears, Cam rose out of the chair, sat on the bed, and pulled her into his embrace. As she silently cried, Cam cradled her in his arms, his cheek resting on her hair. A tight lump formed in his throat, his heart aching for her.
After a couple of minutes, Vala pulled away from Cam, wiping the wetness from her face.
"I feel so silly for blubbering all over you like that," she said, trying to regain control of her emotions. "I do not know why this is bothering me. After all, it's not like it was the first time." Suddenly realizing what she had just revealed, she bit her lip.
Cam had gone very still. "What do you mean by that?"
"Nothing. I didn't mean anything."
"Vala, don't lie to me." He took her shoulders and turned her to face him as she desperately avoided his eyes. "You've almost been raped before?" When Vala yet again refused to say anything, a terrible feeling began to grow in the pit of Cam's stomach. "Vala, have you been raped?" He cupped her cheek. "Please tell me."
It was in a low voice that she finally replied. "In . . . in a manner of speaking. Not long after Qetesh took me as her host, she became Ba'al's lover. The first time that they. . . ." Vala began plucking at a loose thread on the blanket. "Before then, I had never been with a man, and it . . . hurt. Qetesh enjoyed the pain, and she wanted me to feel it, so she did not do anything to stop it. I kept crying out in my mind, begging her to stop, but, instead, she told Ba'al to . . . get rougher. He apparently liked it rough, so he was eager to comply."
'Oh, God,' Cam whispered in his mind, feeling physically ill. He began to wish that Qetesh was still alive so that he could kill her with his own hands.
Vala resumed speaking. "Every time afterwards, it was the same way. She always eventually healed the injuries that were caused. After all, it would not do for the servants who bathed her to see her with bruises and bite marks on her breasts and thighs."
Cam now felt like he was on the verge of throwing up. He pulled Vala back into his arms and held her tightly.
"Eventually, I got used to it. It was just sex, after all, and I would not let her use it to break me. When she realized that it was no longer hurting me emotionally, she toned down the roughness. She could not have her fun with me that way anymore."
"God, Vala," Cam said raggedly. "I am so sorry. I wish I'd known before."
"Why? What difference would it have made?"
"I would have been gentler with you when we made love."
Vala shook her head. "Our lovemaking was the way I wanted it, Cameron. I wanted that passion. Besides, what happened was years ago. I was over it a long time ago."
Cam had to wonder if that was entirely true. He also had to wonder about something else. He was no psychologist, but could it be that Vala's attitude about sex was due to that experience? He seemed to recall seeing something on TV about some rape victims eventually becoming promiscuous as a way to reassert control over their sexual relations.
Cameron kissed the top of Vala's head, then her forehead. For a brief moment, he was hit with the desire to tell her that he loved her, but he curbed it. Even if he dared say it, this would not be the proper time to do so. Instead, he leaned back and pulled his legs up onto the bed, bringing Vala down with him to lie with her head tucked under his chin. He softly, soothingly caressed her arm and back, wanting to make her feel better and somehow heal that old pain, as well as the new one. After a while, Vala raised her head, and he brought his lips down to hers in a slow, gentle kiss. Though he had not spoken the words, his love for Vala was in that kiss. It made her feel warm, and safe, and so very good.
The sound of someone clearing their throat made the couple jerk away, eyes going to the doorway. Daniel was standing there, looking somewhat uncomfortable.
Vala smiled. "Hello, Daniel."
"Um . . . hi. I, uh, wouldn't have disturbed you, but your name was just called on the P.A., Mitchell, and it looked like you might not have heard it."
Flushing at being caught kissing Vala, Cam was surprised that he hadn't heard the page. He got off the bed.
"Thanks. What was it about?"
"Landry asked you to come to his office."
"Right." The pilot turned to the woman in the bed. "I'll see you later, Vala."
"I'll be looking forward to it," she responded with a smile.
It turned out that the general wanted to talk to Cam about SG-1's next mission, which had been scheduled for tomorrow but would have to be postponed because of Vala's injury. They agreed upon a week's delay.
"Do you think she will be ready to return to duty by then?" Landry asked, staring closely at the lieutenant-colonel.
"She should be completely healed well before then, sir."
The general frowned at him. "Now I know you're smart enough to figure out that her injury is not what I'm talking about, Colonel."
Cam's gaze fell to the desktop for a moment before returning to the general's eyes. "Vala is tough, sir. What happened to her was a bad experience, but I know that she's going to be all right. I promise that if I think she's not ready yet, I'll ask for a longer postponement."
Laundry gave a nod. "Fair enough. Though we don't have someone connected to the program who specializes in this kind of thing, if it was necessary, someone could be brought in. If it becomes apparent that we need to do so, that's what will be done."
"Yes, sir."
The general sat back in his chair. "Now, on another matter, I have been told that you are aware of this thing that's going on between Doctor Jackson and Colonel Carter."
Caught by surprise, Cam said, "They told you?"
"Yes, they told me, and it shocked the hell out of me. I should have been told as soon as it started."
"Well, sir, in the beginning, they weren't sure if it would go beyond a few dates. If it didn't go anywhere, there would have been no reason to tell you."
Even as he said those words, Cam couldn't help but think about how that applied to him and Vala as well – or, at least, how it used to apply. Falling in love with Vala had really changed the situation. Even if she eventually broke things off with him, he would still be in love with her. He had to wonder how he was going to handle going on missions with her if that happened. It wouldn't be easy. Daniel had intended to leave Earth because he believed that he could never be with Sam the way he wanted. Obviously, Cam wouldn't go that far, but being around Vala almost every day would be very hard if she ended their relationship.
Pushing that thought aside, the leader of SG-1 said, "I know you might not be happy about this, sir, but there is one really good thing about it. Jackson won't be going off to Atlantis."
Laundry got a thoughtful look on his face. "You know, I didn't think of that." His sharp gaze returned to Cam. "It suddenly occurs to me that this thing with him and Colonel Carter might have a connection to his sudden decision to transfer to Atlantis, then his equally sudden decision to put that transfer on hold."
"Could be, sir," Cam responded, keeping a poker face.
He left the general's office a couple of minutes later. When he got to his own office, he found Daniel there.
"You're in love with her, aren't you," the archeologist said, deciding not to beat around the bush.
Cam halted in his tracks. Realizing that he was about to have a very private conversation, he shut the door. He then went to his desk and sat down.
"Am I right?" Daniel asked.
Cam let out a sigh. "Yes, I'm afraid you are, and let me tell you that I definitely did not see this coming. The last thing I'd ever have expected was that I'd fall in love with Vala."
"So what are you going to do?"
"I have no idea. It's not like she feels the same way. I have my doubts that she ever will."
Daniel found himself feeling sorry for the man, seeing in the pilot's situation a reflection of his own back when he thought that his love for Sam would always be unrequited.
"You know, there was a time when I would have tended to agree with you about Vala," he said, "but I've gotten to know her a lot better since then. You shouldn't give up on her coming to feel the same way about you."
Surprised by the archeologist's encouragement, Cam stared at him. "Thanks. And, speaking of romances, now that you and Sam are doing way more than just dating, you need to confirm to Landry that the transfer to Atlantis has been permanently cancelled."
Embarrassed by the first part of the pilot's statement, Daniel said, "Yeah, I didn't think about that."
"I don't think I have to tell you that both he and I are delighted that you'll be staying right here in the Milky Way galaxy." Cam's gaze went to his computer. "Well, if you will excuse me, I need to finish my mission report."
Giving him a nod, Daniel left the office. Despite his words to Cameron, he did have to wonder if Vala would ever feel more for the pilot than sexual desire. He sincerely hoped so. He knew the pain of loving someone who didn't love him, and it was a pain he would not wish upon any man.
As expected, Vala was released from the infirmary the next morning. Under doctor's orders to take it easy, she went to her quarters right after breakfast. First of all, she tried to watch some TV. When that failed to keep her mind occupied, she then did some surfing on the Internet. Unfortunately, that, too, did not succeed in getting her mind off the thoughts that had been plaguing her and the emotions they made her feel.
One thing Vala would never admit to Cam was that, when Deken was assaulting her, she flashed back to the day her virginity was cruelly ripped away from her, the tearing pain of that first penetration, Ba'al's body on top of hers, his leering face and cold eyes looking down at her. Worst of all was the taunting internal voice of the symbiote inside her, saying that Vala's body now belonged to it, and the Goa'uld would do whatever it pleased with that body.
The memory arising within her mind yet again, Vala jumped to her feet and paced back and forth across the room. Angry that she couldn't get this under control, Vala told herself to stop thinking about it. She'd gotten over it years ago. And it's not like Deken succeeded in raping her. Thanks to Cameron, all he'd had a chance to do was make a mess of her clothes and give her a few bruises and a concussion. She'd had rougher handling than that.
Thinking of Cameron, she wished that he was there with her right now. He was so gentle and understanding yesterday. It had felt good to have him hold her like that. She had been embraced by many men over the years, but none of them had made her feel so safe, like nothing bad could ever happen to her as long as she was in his arms.
Vala shook her head at that thought. She was a strong, capable, independent woman. She didn't need anyone to make her feel safe and secure. She was just a little off-kilter right now because of the assault. She'd be back to normal in no time.
At lunchtime, Vala returned to the commissary, yet again ignoring the stares that were aimed at her every now and then. She had no doubt that many of the base personnel knew that she had almost been raped. She had to wonder how many of them thought that she'd brought it on herself. Maybe she had. If she hadn't pretended to hit on Deken, he might not have attacked her. Then again, he was a rapist, so he might have done so anyway.
"Is this seat taken?" a voice asked. Vala looked up to see Cam with a tray in his hands and a smile on his lips.
"Not at the moment," Vala replied, "although I have been hoping that Lieutenant Grant would invite himself to join me."
Cam's smile broadened. From what he'd heard, Lieutenant Grant starred in the fantasies of more than one female on base. "Well, in that case, I'll find another table. I wouldn't want to get in the way." He began to turn away but was stopped by Vala's voice.
"Don't you dare, Cameron. Besides, Lieutenant Grant is way too pretty for me. A woman likes to feel that she's prettier than the man she is with."
Still smiling, Cam sat across from Vala and stared to eat. He glanced up and noticed one of the airmen staring at Vala. Looking around, he saw a couple of other people doing the same thing. It made him angry because he knew the reason for the looks.
Glaring at them, he called out, "Hey! Why don't you pay attention to your food instead of rudely staring at people."
The angry words made everyone else look at him and Vala for a moment, then all eyes turned away from them.
"It's all right, Cameron," Vala said. "It doesn't bother me."
He studied her face. "Doesn't it? It would bother me."
Vala shrugged and looked down at her food. "Well, I guess it does a little."
Cam nodded sharply. He got to his feet, picking up his tray. "Come on. Let's go."
"Go where?"
"Someplace where we'll have more privacy."
Trays in hand, Cam and Vala went to his office, where they ate the rest of their lunch.
It was after the last bite was taken that Vala quietly said, "Thank you."
"You're welcome."
"I shouldn't be surprised that they are acting like that. They probably think that I encouraged Deken to do what he did."
Cameron frowned deeply, not liking what he was hearing. "Hey. You get one thing straight. You did not encourage him to drag you into that alley and viciously attack you. You told him no, didn't you?"
"Yes."
"And you fought him, tried to get away?"
"Yes, of course."
"All right, then. Any ordinary guy, someone who had a grain of decency in him and was not a rapist, would have backed off, even considering what happened in that shop. No means no, regardless of any flirting that went on earlier."
Vala smiled at him, his words making her feel better.
"Oh, by the way, our next mission has been delayed for a week to give you a chance to recover," Cam told her.
"That really is not necessary. I will be fine in another day or so."
"Nevertheless, both Laundry and I insist."
"He isn't going to make me talk to someone, is he? I would really rather not."
"Not unless we believe that you need to."
"Well, I don't. I promise."
The nightmare roused Vala violently from sleep, a cry on her lips. She stared up at the ceiling as her thundering heart gradually slowed. Her gaze then went to the clock on the table. Six p.m. Not having gotten much sleep the previous night, she had started feeling tired that afternoon and decided to take a nap, but she hadn't intended to sleep for so long.
Rising from the bed, she changed out of her rumpled BDUs and into a fresh pair. After fixing her makeup and brushing her mussed hair, she went looking for Cameron to see if he'd like to join her for dinner. Upon failing to find him, she made some inquiries and learned that he'd gone home for the day. Very disappointed, Vala headed for the commissary but stopped before she was even halfway there. She didn't want to go there alone, not when she knew that she'd be subjected to more stares. She knew that it really shouldn't bother her. She had never been one to worry about what other people thought about her, but it was bothering her to think that some people on this base might believe that she had deliberately encouraged Deken to do what he did. She was certain that the woman who called her a slut was thinking that very thing.
Vala thought about seeing if Daniel or Sam might be free to join her, but she didn't want to seem pathetic. Besides, what she really wanted was to be with Cameron.
That's when she got an idea. She went back to her quarters and changed into casual clothes. She then took the elevator up to Level 11 and approached the first checkout point.
"Good evening Ms. Mal Doran," the airman on duty said.
"Hello. Nolan," Vala greeted with a smile. "How are things going tonight?"
"Oh, about the same as usual, ma'am." He studied her. "Are you intending to go out?"
"Yes. I am in the mood for something besides what they have in the commissary. I may go for an evening stroll afterwards."
The lieutenant nodded. He asked Vala to sign out and write down where she would be. She put down the name of a restaurant she'd gone to before and asked the man to call for a taxi. She was in a conversation with the guards at the front gate when the cab arrived.
On the drive to Cam's, she thought about how displeased Doctor Lam would be if she learned that Vala had left the base. But she felt fine, even the headache she'd had for most of the day was now gone.
To say that Cam was surprised when he found Vala on his doorstep would have been an understatement.
"Vala, what are you doing here?"
"I'm here for dinner and your charming company."
"Dinner? I was just going to fix a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup."
"Mmm. Sounds perfect." She stepped inside.
"Vala, you shouldn't be here. You're supposed to be staying on base."
"Stop worrying, Cameron. I am perfectly all right."
Knowing that it was fruitless to argue with her, Cam returned to the kitchen, where he had been in the process of fixing dinner.
A while later, the two of them were sitting at the kitchen table, eating the simple meal. Cam said nothing about the fact that grilled cheese and tomato soup were considered comfort food.
After the meal was finished, Vala plopped down on the couch and asked Cam to join her. He hesitated before doing so. She immediately cuddled up to him.
"Anything good on television?" she asked.
"Vala, you can't stay here for long."
"I know. I just want to be out of the base for a while."
Cam looked down at her, then nodded. He turned on the TV and did some channel surfing before he found a movie that looked interesting.
They'd been watching the movie for around ten minutes when Vala's hand began caressing Cam's chest. He looked down at her again, and she kissed him. He lightly returned it, intending to back off after a moment. Vala, however, didn't give him a chance. She grabbed his head and held his mouth to hers as her tongue ventured inside. Suddenly, she was kissing him voraciously, her hands desperately yanking at his clothing, almost immediately going to the fastenings of his pants.
Cam pushed her away. "Vala, stop it. We can't do this, not after what happened to you."
"Please, Cameron. I want you. I need you."
Cam stared into her eyes, seeing a desperate plea there. All of a sudden, he realized that this was because of the attempted rape. Vala needed something to take away the pain of what happened and thought that having sex with him would do it.
Cameron didn't know what to do. He should say no, but what would his rejection do to her in this state of mind?
As the pilot agonized over what the right thing to do was, Vala resumed kissing him, her lips and tongue covering his neck with frantic haste. He gently pushed her away again.
"Vala, stop," he told her softly.
A glimmer of tears shimmered in her eyes. "Please don't say no, Cameron. I need you tonight."
Cam cupped her face in his hands. "I know you do, baby. I know." He then kissed her very softly. When she tried to deepen it, he pulled back. "No. Not that way. This isn't going to be sex, Vala." He caught her eyes. "I am going to make love to you."
With those words, Cam rose from the couch, pulling her up with him. He led her to the bedroom and very gently removed her clothes. That's when he saw the bruises. They were all over her body, on her breasts, shoulders and back, her hips, her legs, two particularly nasty ones on her inner thighs, bruises he knew must have been caused by Deken forcing her legs apart with his knees.
His chest tightening so much that it hurt, Cam pulled her into his arms as tears filled his eyes.
"God, I wished I'd gotten to you before he hurt you," he told her in a voice full of anguish. He then began placing kisses all over her face. He laid her down on the bed. After quickly stripping off his own clothes, he joined her.
With every touch, every caress and kiss that followed, Cam slowly and lovingly tried to take away Vala's pain, to replace the memories of the vicious attack with those of joy and ecstacy. When he at last felt that Vala was ready for him, he sat up and pulled her onto his lap, sensing that she needed to feel some measure of control. As he gently slid into her, she let out a soft sigh, her eyes sliding shut.
After a moment, they began to move, Vala's movements matching his, remaining slow and steady. After a while, Cam's fingers went to where they were joined and began stroking her. Her respiration increased, a low moan rising from her throat. Their pace sped up a little as they began approaching climax. They came less than a minute later, holding each other tightly as the rapture washed through them.
After it was over, Cameron laid back down on the bed with Vala, holding her close.
"Are you okay?" he asked after a moment.
"Yes." She lifted her head and gazed at him. "Thank you."
Cam caressed her cheek. "I wish you could stay, but I don't think you could come up with an explanation for being gone all night."
"Could we stay like this just a little bit longer?"
Cam nodded. "Okay."
Vala laid her head on his chest and closed her eyes. After just a few minutes, Cam felt her body relax and heard her breathing deepen. He realized that she'd fallen asleep.
Cam gazed at her face, his love for her suddenly filling him so full that he felt like he'd burst.
"I love you," he whispered ever so softly.
Cameron let Vala sleep for half an hour, then regretfully awoke her. They both got dressed without a word, then he called a cab.
As the taxi drove away with Vala inside, Cam began to wonder how long it would be before he could no longer stay silent about the love he felt for this woman who had so completely implanted herself in his heart.
Cameron was not the only man who spent the evening with the woman he loved. Sam had come over to Daniel's house for dinner. Afterwards, they sat together on the sofa and talked.
"You were right about Mitchell," the archeologist said after a while. "He is in love with Vala."
Sam looked at him. "How do you know?"
"He admitted it to me after I found him and Vala kissing in her room in the infirmary yesterday."
Sam let out a sigh. "I was afraid of that."
"He knows that Vala might never feel the same way."
"He told you that, too?"
"Yeah. I understand what he's going through, Sam. The difference is that I fell in love with you before we started having sex."
"I really hope that everything turns out all right."
"Me, too." He paused a moment. "I also talked to Vala, or at least tried to."
"About Cam?"
"No. I tried to talk to her about what happened, but she shut me down, kept insisting that she was fine."
Sam studied his expression. "But you don't think she is fine."
There was an even longer pause before Daniel responded. "I sort of know what she must be feeling."
Sam clutched at his hand, knowing that he was talking about what Hathor did to him.
Daniel continued speaking. "Granted, the circumstances with Vala were different, and Mitchell prevented the actual rape, but there would still be feelings of powerlessness, of being unable to stop what was happening, the feelings of . . . violation."
Sam put her arms around Daniel, pulling him close. This was a subject that had not been talked about since shortly after Hathor raped him. Daniel went through a very difficult time for a while, and it took the efforts of Janet and all his teammates to help him heal. And the thing was that none of them would have even known what happened to him if he hadn't called in sick the next day, and Janet got worried. She sent Jack over there, who found Daniel in the bathroom, throwing up. Thinking that Daniel really was sick, Jack tried to take him to the base to get an examination. That's when the truth came out.
"Do you think she's going to be all right?" the astrophysicist asked.
"Yes, in time. She's a strong woman. But she needs to talk to someone about it. I'm hoping that she's talked with Mitchell or will eventually."
"Maybe you should try talking to her again."
The couple watched a little TV, then went to bed. Daniel lay awake in the darkness, listening to the sound of Sam breathing. It had been years since he really thought about what Hathor did to him, though it was one of the most emotionally traumatic events of his life. Unlike what happened to Vala, Hathor hadn't needed physical violence to subjugate him. It had only taken the power of her breath. Yet, as it was happening, the part of him deep inside that wasn't being held in thrall to her power still felt trapped, forced into having sex with a creature that was a member of the race he hated.
And, now, Vala had come close to being raped, not by a Goa'uld, but by a vicious rapist and murderer. Daniel had gotten help from his friends, and it was Vala's friends who needed to step forward and help her, including him.
With an internal nod, Daniel made up his mind that, tomorrow, he'd go talk to Vala again – whether she wanted him to or not.
