CHAPTER THREE
The debriefing wasn't long, but it was intense. SG-1 and Jacob started out by explaining the details of the original plan to get Daniel into the Goa'uld summit.
"What will the Tok'ra's plans for the poison be now, Jacob?" Hammond asked.
"We'll be looking for another opportunity to use it, of course, but I'm not sure when that might come. This summit was a once in a lifetime chance to wipe out the System Lords. It wouldn't do any good to knock them off one by one since the others would simply take over the territories of the ones we killed."
"You know, I didn't ask this before," Daniel said, "but what about Osiris and Nirrti. Weren't you worried that they'd step in and take over? Osiris is no longer a System Lord, but that certainly wouldn't have stopped him, and Nirrti is still out there somewhere."
"We were hoping that, in the chaos caused by the deaths of the others, we'd be able to strike at the remaining Goa'uld with the poison, wipe them all out before any of them had a chance to regroup and take control."
They moved onto recounting the attack on the base. Soon, they reached the point where Lantash took Daniel as his host.
"I was unconscious when it happened, so you can imagine how surprised I was to wake up and find a Tok'ra inside me," he said. "I wasn't conscious for very long. When I woke up the second time, Sam was there. Lantash was trying to heal me, but it didn't take me long to sense how weak he was. He admitted right off that he wasn't sure if he was strong enough to heal me. By the time we got to the surface, we both knew that we weren't going to make it."
The statement sobered everyone. Sam laid her hand on Daniel's arm. He was surprised at the feeling that touch gave him. He didn't have time to think about it, though.
"So, is Daniel going to have some of Lantash's memories like Carter has of Jolinar's?" Jack asked.
"He will have some," Jacob answered. "That's inevitable."
"Um, actually, I think I might have quite a few," Daniel responded, "a whole lot more than Sam has of Jolinar's memories. He didn't block any of his memories from me. Most of them are from when Martouf was his host, but I've also got some from a few previous hosts."
Jack turned to the Tok'ra at the table. "Is that normal?"
"Yes and no. If a human is the host of a Tok'ra for a number of years, many of that Tok'ra's memories will be merged with those of the host. It will share those memories with the host. That's the way it is with me. Since Daniel was a host for only a few hours, normally, he'd have gained only a small fraction of Lantash's memories, but, as we all know, Daniel's capacity to learn and retain knowledge is far above normal. His memory must be very close to eidetic. That could affect how much of Lantash's knowledge and memories filtered into his mind. I still seriously doubt that he has anywhere near all of them, but he could have quite a bit."
Jack frowned. "How is this going to change things? What are the other Tok'ra going to think about it?"
"Some of them will not be happy that quite a bit of Lantash's knowledge and memories may now be within Daniel since they know that he'll share any knowledge he's gained with Earth. That might include technology they think you guys shouldn't have."
That made the corner of Jack's mouth curve upward. "So, we might learn how to make some cool new toys? Sweet."
"Well, I don't know about that," Daniel responded. "There's nothing popping into my head at the moment."
Jacob looked at him. "It will take a while for your mind to sort through and assimilate all the memories. You may find as time passes that progressively more of them are filtering into your awareness."
"There must be other cases when a Tok'ra symbiote died, but the host lived," Sam said. "What do the Tok'ra usually do when that happens?"
"In the rare cases when a host outlives a symbiote, the human usually eventually becomes the host to another symbiote, unless he or she is considered to be too old. Either way, the human will live the rest of his life with the Tok'ra."
Jack didn't like the sound of that. "You know, I'm thinking that the other Tok'ra don't need to know that Lantash decided to be generous and share with Daniel. It's just going to cause trouble, mostly for Daniel."
"While I agree that it could create a bit of an issue, Jack, the Tok'ra should, nevertheless, be told. Sooner or later, Daniel might slip and say something that reveals to the other Tok'ra that he possesses more of Lantash's memories than he should. If that happened and they realized that they were deliberately kept in the dark about it, it could put a strain on the Earth/Tok'ra alliance."
"Besides, it's not like they're going to force me to go live with them so that I can't tell you anything," Daniel pointed out. "They may want me to, but they can't force me."
The briefing ended a short while later. Hammond asking Daniel to stay behind. His teammates told him that they'd meet him in the commissary in fifteen minutes for a belated dinner.
"I wanted to tell you how much I admire the courage it took for you to do what you did," Hammond told Daniel once they were alone.
"It really wasn't all that courageous, sir. I knew that I wouldn't survive if Jack and the others took me with them. Since I was going to die anyway, I made the decision that I'd rather die doing what I could to save Jacob and my teammates. I was just being pragmatic, really."
"Pragmatism is not what I would call sitting there and waiting for the enemy to find you, turning yourself, for all intents and purposes, into a Trojan horse."
Daniel's gaze dropped to his lap.
"I have no doubt that you will receive another commendation in your file." He gazed at Daniel kindly. "I can only imagine how difficult this has been on you. Perhaps it might be best for you to take a little time off."
"No, sir, I'd really rather work. I'm all right."
Hammond nodded. "Very well. Go on and get something to eat with your teammates."
Daniel left the room and headed to the commissary. When he arrived, Jack and Teal'c were already there, but Sam wasn't. He got his food and joined his male teammates. Sam and her father arrived just a few seconds later and came to the table with their trays.
Over these years that Daniel had been on SG-1, Sam had sat beside him on many occasions while they ate. It had never affected him before. Not so this time. When she settled beside him, her leg briefly brushing against his, he had a strong reaction to it, the desire to touch her flooding his body. It shook him, and he deliberately put an extra few inches between them.
Why was he feeling this way? He didn't really have to think about the answer. It was pretty obvious. When Lantash was blended with him, Daniel had felt the love the Tok'ra had for Sam, felt it as if that love was within him, as if it was his heart that cared so deeply for her. Though Lantash was now dead, those emotions had been left behind in Daniel.
One of the memories from Lantash that was clearest in Daniel's mind was the private conversation he and Martouf had with Sam the day that SG-1 found the Tok'ra.
"Ours is a truly symbiotic relationship," Martouf had explained to her. "So what I feel, Lantash feels. And what Lantash feels, I feel."
"So, when one of you is in love, you both feel it."
"Yes. We love as one, and . . . and we mourn as one."
Sam had confessed to Martouf that she was experiencing the feelings that Jolinar and the previous host, Rosha, had for him and Lantash, that it was as if she was the one who lived those one hundred years as their mate.
And, now, the feelings that Martouf and Lantash had for Sam were inside Daniel, and, just like what had happened with Sam, they were confusing the hell out of him. On one hand, he knew that these emotions weren't really his, that they had been inherited from a dead Tok'ra, but, on the other hand, they sure did feel like his.
Daniel was certain that these feelings would fade in time, but, for right now, he couldn't stop thinking about Sam like that. He'd just have to try to put them out of his mind as much as possible. In time, they would go away.
He had a feeling, though, that, until they did, they weren't going to be easy to ignore.
When Jacob got hold of the surviving members of the Tok'ra High Council, he and the SGC learned that he'd been right about their reaction to the news that a sizable chunk of Lantash's memories might now be within Daniel's brain. It was Garshaw who came through the gate the next morning to talk about it.
"The Tok'ra have some concerns regarding the fact that Doctor Jackson harbors what may be a significant portion of Lantash's memories," she said to the group assembled in the briefing room, which included SG-1, Hammond and Jacob.
"Yeah, I bet you do," Jack responded. "You're worried about what little secrets he might tell us."
The Tok'ra frowned. "All of our secrets are ones that we have kept to preserve our race and to help in the fight against the Goa'uld, Colonel O'Neill."
"Yes, but we're supposed to be your allies," Sam said. "As your allies, it shouldn't bother you that Daniel might be able to reveal some things about the Tok'ra."
"Please try to see our point of view. What would happen if Doctor Jackson shares with you the knowledge he has of the Tok'ra, then one of you is taken captive by the Goa'uld and tortured? That knowledge would then be theirs. It could jeopardize not only the Tok'ra but all that we have fought for as well."
The woman's statement ticked Jack off. "Okay, just hold it right there. First of all, what makes you think that if one of us got captured, we'd spill the beans on everything we know? That's pretty insulting, if you ask me. We're not that weak."
"Nevertheless, it is a distinct danger."
Daniel spoke up. "I can see where this is going, Garshaw, so I'm going to tell you right now that if you came here to request that I come live with the Tok'ra, then you can forget it. It's not going to happen."
"You would be treated with respect, Doctor Jackson, and rest assured that we would use your knowledge and talents to help with our goals. In fact, they would be quite valuable to us. We would not ask that you become blended with another Tok'ra, though, of course, we would hope that you would eventually choose to do so."
"That's all very flattering, Garshaw, but it doesn't change my answer. I have no desire to live with the Tok'ra."
Garshaw was silent for a long moment. "Very well. There is another option, then."
"Which is?" Jack asked suspiciously.
"It would be possible to permanently block the memories Lantash gave to Doctor Jackson so that he could not access them."
Jacob frowned. "You're talking about using the memory recall device." He turned to the others. "There is a way of using the device in reverse, so to speak, so that it causes certain memories to be repressed, buried deeply in the subconscious. As far as I know, it's been used in that way only once, to remove the traumatic childhood memories a woman had of the violent murder of her entire family. She agreed to be a host on the condition that those memories be taken from her so that they no longer haunted her." He returned his gaze to Garshaw. "Even if it wasn't for the fact that it's not an exact science, and you might also accidentally affect other memories, I could not agree to something like that being done."
"Me neither," said Jack.
"Nor I," stated Hammond, "not unless Doctor Jackson agreed to it."
"Which isn't going to happen," declared the archeologist. He stared at the woman who had suggested it. "Taking those memories away would amount to destroying the last living part of Lantash. Inside of me is all that's left of who he was as a person, not to mention Martouf, and I'm not willing to see you destroy that because you're worried that something might possibly leak to the Goa'uld." His gaze sharpened. "Do you really want to kill what's left of him?"
Garshaw did not speak for a long time. "No, Doctor Jackson. We do not wish to destroy the part of Lantash that lives on in you. We only wish to preserve our race and protect what we have fought so long and hard to achieve."
"I understand that, Garshaw. I do. I guess you're just going to have to trust that I can be a . . . a worthy caretaker of the memories and knowledge Lantash gave to me."
The woman nodded once, accepting Daniel's decision. She got up from the table.
"I will take my leave now." She looked at her fellow Tok'ra. "Will you be coming with me? With the destruction of our base on Revanna and the deaths of so many of our number, there is much to be done."
"If you can wait for a bit longer, I will. I want to talk to Daniel about some things. Otherwise, I'll head back later."
"I can wait for a while longer. Perhaps General Hammond will agree to show me the entirety of this base. I have not have the opportunity to see all of it."
Hammond nodded. "Certainly. I will be pleased to show you around."
Daniel went with Jacob to the archeologist's office. When the Tok'ra shut the door, Daniel wondered what this talk would be about. They both took seats. Jacob spoke first.
"Daniel, being a host myself, I think I have some idea of some of the things you might be going through right now. When I became Selmak's host, I suddenly inherited a lot of new feelings, some for people that I never even met, like several of his previous hosts. It was pretty confusing and more than a little disconcerting in the beginning. I don't know how much of Lantash's emotions have been left behind in you, but I'm betting that at least some of them have."
Daniel was staring at the top of his desk. "Yeah."
"Do you care to talk about it?"
"Um . . . not really. Actually, no. I think that would be a really bad idea."
"Daniel."
The tone in Jacob's voice made the archeologist look at him.
"I know about the feelings Martouf and Lantash had for my daughter."
The statement made Daniel's cheeks color faintly.
"From the way you're acting, I'm betting that more than a little of those feelings are still inside you."
"I'm not going to do anything about it, Jacob," Daniel quickly assured the man. "I know these feelings aren't mine, and I would never even dream of . . . of following through on them."
Jacob smiled. "What makes you think that I'd be unhappy if you did?"
Daniel blinked once, then blinked again. "W-w-what?"
"I'm going to admit something to you, Daniel. For quite a while now, I've been of the opinion that you would be an excellent match for my daughter. You are exactly the kind of man that she needs, the kind of person who could make her happy."
Daniel simply gaped at the man, too stunned to speak.
"Sam has made some mistakes in her life when it comes to men, one of the biggest being Jonas Hanson. He was not the right kind of man for her. She needs someone like you."
"I . . . I. . . . Wow. I honestly don't know what to say to that."
"You don't have to say anything, Daniel. I just wanted you to know what my opinion is. I know that, right now, you're very confused about all of this, and I would never want you to pursue any feelings you have for my daughter if they are in no way your own, if they really are only Lantash's. That would not be fair to Sam. However, if you should ever come to believe that you might possibly share those feelings," he grinned, "I would not be unhappy if you decided to do something about it."
"I'm, um, really flattered that you feel that way, Jacob, but, even if this wasn't just Lantash's emotions, it wouldn't matter. Sam would never feel that way about me."
"Are you sure of that?"
"Of course I'm sure. Actually, I think she sees me more like a brother."
Jacob studied the younger man's face. "That bothers you."
"No . . . yes. . . ." Daniel sighed. "Sort of, I guess. I never thought a lot about it until now." He sighed a second time. "It really would be better if these . . . these feelings of Lantash's just go away and everything goes back to the way it was before."
"If that's what you really want, then I hope, for your sake, that they do." Jacob got to his feet. "I need to get going. Things are going to be pretty busy for the Tok'ra for a while, so I'm not sure how long it will be before my next visit."
Daniel stood as well, and Jacob shook his hand.
"Take care, Daniel, both for your own sake and for the sake of the memories you're now carrying inside you. I want you to know that I'm glad it's you who is the 'caretaker' of Lantash's memories. I can't think of another man who would do a better job or be more worthy."
"Thank you, Jacob," Daniel responded, deeply flattered by his words.
As the man left his office, Daniel sat back down, his mind not on Lantash's memories, but on the other thing the Tok'ra had left within him.
He was a little surprised when Teal'c came to his office later that morning.
"To my knowledge, no one has yet inquired about your feelings regarding the fact that you were unable to embark upon your mission," he said.
Daniel sighed. "Yeah. I guess my feelings are mixed. On one hand, I'm sorry that we lost the chance to get rid of the System Lords, but, on the other, I'm not at all sorry that I avoided being the assassin. Like I told you when you talked to me before, I agreed to do it because there seemed to be no better way of dealing with the Goa'uld. That doesn't mean that I wanted to do it. It bothered me a lot that I'd be killing the hosts, too. If Sarah had been there, I'm not sure I'd have been able to do it."
Teal'c came further into the room. "As a Jaffa, I am not privy to the memories that are within the larva I carry, so I do not know how it feels to gain the memories of another. I only know that, if such a thing were to happen to me, I might find it disturbing."
"I'm not sure if 'disturbing' is the right word for me. It's a little overwhelming, actually. I'm remembering things from a life many times longer than what mine could possibly be. Remembering the things he and the other Tok'ra went through – the sacrifices they made, the dangers they faced – has given me a new level of appreciation for what they've done. But . . . but it also makes me a little sad."
"How so?"
"I have so many memories from someone who is now dead, both Lantash and Martouf. They were good people. Actually, they were a really good match, a lot alike in many ways. It makes me wish that I could have gotten to know them better when they were still alive instead of learning so much about them now, when they're both gone." Daniel looked at his computer. "I've been writing some of it down, sort of a biography, I guess, of Lantash's life, at least what I can remember of it. I thought it was only right to do it."
"I believe that Lantash would be pleased that you have undertaken such a task," Teal'c told him.
Daniel looked up at him. "Thanks, Teal'c. It, um, helped a little talking about this." He just wished that he had the courage to talk to the Jaffa about the emotions Lantash had left inside him along with the memories.
"If, at any time, you wish to discuss it further, I will be honored to . . . lend a listening ear."
Daniel smiled faintly. "Thanks, Teal'c. I appreciate that."
Teal'c bowed his head slightly, then left. Daniel turned back to the computer and resumed typing. He hadn't been at it for very long when Sam showed up. Immediately, Daniel felt his heart rate increase. He fought to curb the emotions that arose, but he was only partially successful.
"Hi," she said with a smile.
"Hi."
"It's almost twelve. Would you like to join me for lunch in the commissary?"
If Sam had asked that two days ago, Daniel would have immediately said yes. He'd always enjoyed their meals together and the conversation that took place. But now. . . . Daniel knew what would happen if he ate with Sam. He'd have a hard time concentrating on anything but these feelings for her that were inside him. Breakfast this morning with his teammates had been a challenge. He'd lost count of how many times he'd glanced at Sam, noticing things about her that he never really had before, the highlights in her golden hair, the fact that the color of her eyes at that moment was like polished blue agate. Martouf had loved her eyes.
"Um . . . Sam, I'd love to, but I've got so much to do today. I still have to write my mission report. I've . . . sort of been procrastinating on it."
"Yeah, I can imagine this isn't going to be an easy one for you to write."
"No." He gestured at the monitor. "I've been recording some of my memories of Lantash's life. There are a lot of holes, but I'm remembering enough that I have quite a bit to put down."
"Wow, Daniel. That's great. I bet he'd be happy that you're doing that."
The archeologist nodded. "Oh, and I'm also putting down in a separate file some of the stuff I'm remembering about the Tok'ra in regards to their operations. I know about quite a few of the operatives they have placed within the ranks of the Goa'uld." He smiled. "No info on any fancy technological gadgets yet, though."
Sam also smiled. "Well, as soon as you remember any of that stuff, be sure to come right to my lab so that we can get it all down on paper."
"I will."
"Okay, well, I'll see you later, then."
"Yeah. Bye, Sam."
As Sam walked away, Daniel watched her leave, wishing, just as Martouf and Lantash had, that there could be more between them than just friendship.
A small sigh escaped Sam's lips as she stared at the thing sitting on her worktable. She'd been staring at it for the past fifteen minutes, her mind less on it than on something else . . . someone else, to be precise. That someone was Daniel.
It had been three days since the attack on the Tok'ra base. In those three days, she'd barely seen the archeologist. He'd turned down every one of her invitations to join her in a meal or even just a cup of coffee and some dessert, always claiming that he had a lot of work to do. He'd shared a meal with the team only twice and had been unusually quite both times.
Sam knew that Daniel was probably trying to come to grips with what happened and all the memories Lantash had left in his mind. Sam had consciously retained only fragments of Jolinar's memories, yet it had still been a bit on the disconcerting side. How much more difficult must it be for Daniel?
She wished that he'd talk to her. She'd never forget how much better she felt after sharing her feelings with Daniel about the Jolinar thing during the journey to Netu. Daniel was always such a good listener, so compassionate and understanding, making her feel like she could share just about anything with him. She wanted to return the favor, to let Daniel know that he could talk to her, and she'd understand how he was feeling, but, other than him mentioning that he was writing down his memories of Lantash's life, he hadn't said a word to her. There was a possibility that he'd talked to either Jack or Teal'c, but she still wished that he'd come to her about it.
Sam spent another ten minutes trying to work, then gave up. She took the elevator up one floor and headed to Daniel's office. He was frowning down at an artifact covered in squiggles that Sam assumed was some kind of language.
"Hey," she said.
Daniel started violently, almost dropping the artifact.
"Sam! I, um, didn't see you there."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. I came to see if you'd like to share a cup of chocolate macadamia nut coffee. I got some the other day and brought it to work. I know you like to drink the flavored coffees on occasion."
"Oh. Um . . . that sounds good, Sam, but I'm really—"
"Busy," she said, finishing his sentence before he had the chance. "Daniel, you've been telling me that for three days now, almost every time I see you. What's going on? Is it because of what happened with Lantash?"
Daniel's gaze immediately dropped to his desk.
Sam came further into the room. "Daniel, you must know that I have some idea about what you're going through. Though I didn't retain nearly as many of Jolinar's memories as you have of Lantash's, there's still enough of them in there that it made things a little tough for me in the beginning. There were times when those memories were so vivid that I had to keep reminding myself that they weren't mine. The memories of what she went through on Netu were the worst. Some of them were so . . . so horrible that they made me sick." She gazed at her friend. "I want you to know that you can talk to me, Daniel. I'm here for you."
Daniel looked up at her, so many emotions in his eyes that she couldn't sort them out.
"I know you are, Sam, but I really don't think it would be a good idea for me to talk about it with you."
Sam felt a little hurt by his statement. "Why not?"
He didn't reply for a long time, then he sighed. "Because . . . because the memories Lantash left behind aren't the problem."
Sam frowned. "What is the problem, then?"
Daniel's eyes stared straight into hers. "You, of all people, should know, Sam."
As Sam returned his gaze, all at once, she did know. Her breath drew in sharply. Oh boy.
Daniel turned away from her again, looking uncomfortable. "I've been trying to ignore it, but, so far, that hasn't worked. I have the memory of the conversation you had with Martouf and Lantash. I know how it is with the Tok'ra, how the host and symbiote share feelings. I understand why I feel these things. But that doesn't make it any less . . . powerful."
Sam cursed herself for being such an idiot. She should have realized this on her own. After her own experience with Jolinar's feelings for Martouf and Lantash, she should have known that Daniel might be going through the same thing.
Well, this definitely explained why he'd been avoiding spending any time with her. She knew how confusing and troubling this must be for him. To this day, Sam still hadn't completely resolved the feelings of love that Jolinar had left inside her for Martouf and Lantash.
So, how did she feel about this? The fact that Daniel was now experiencing those kinds of feelings for her should make her feel pretty uncomfortable, but, strangely, it didn't. Well, maybe just a little, but not nearly as much as she'd have thought it would.
"I'm sorry," Daniel said.
"Daniel, you have nothing to apologize for. You can't help what you're feeling, no more than I could when this happened to me."
The archeologist finally looked at her again. "What did you do about it?"
"I just tried to deal with it the best that I could, mostly by trying not to think about it, concentrating on other things."
"Yeah. Tried that."
"Not working?"
"Not so well." Another sigh issued from Daniel's lips. "You were luckier than me."
"How so?"
"The object of your inherited emotions was someone who lived thousands of light-years away, not somebody you see almost every day."
Sam realized how right Daniel was about that.
"Don't worry, Sam. I'll deal with it. It might take a while, but this will go away." He met her eyes again. "I don't expect anything from you."
"I know you don't, Daniel. I trust you. I know that you wouldn't do anything."
The archeologist nodded. He got up and went to one of his shelving units, pulling down a book.
Sam let out a sigh. "So, I suppose this means that you don't want to share some coffee with me."
Daniel stared down at the book. "I'm sorry. I just think it would be best for us not to spent much time together, at least not until after this . . . gets better."
Daniel's statement made Sam feel terribly sad. She didn't want to lose the times she spent with him. She treasured those moments.
With a final look at Daniel, Sam turned and left, wondering if things would ever be the same between them.
